Today I watched you spin to the music for the first time. I mean, full-on spinning. I never thought about how co-ordinated spinning is before, how you have to put your feet slightly sideways, and move them in a certain order and how you have to turn your head and shift your body, and hold out your arms for balance “just so” to make it all work. And you were smiling, and LOVING it, and when you spun around three or four times, you stopped, looked up at me, fell over, got up giggling, and spun again. You did this for about 30 minutes, and grabbed my hand and pulled me into your spinning game and we both fell down laughing, smiling, breathless and dizzy.
You’ve also discovered the fun in removing the chair cushion and stomping on top of it like a little billy goat gruff. Stomp stomp stomp. You hate socks and if your feet are not encased in a shoe, you rip them off, preferring instead to roam in bare feet. You’re not such a big fan of hats but I couldn’t resist and bought you a new hat at the craft fair yesterday and it’s neon orange with lime green striped horns and you are now Mama’s Little Monster.
You like to dance and will shake your skinny butt for anything – The Wiggles, Lady Gaga… you like a good beat and you’re not afraid to just let the music move you. We often dance around the house and sometimes I am self conscious because the neighbours cannot see my little dance partner and must think I am nutso.
You’re sort of talking now, jabbering away and making up words and concentrating on our faces when we say a word that pleases you so that you can imitate us. We’ve started to ask you to say please and if you want something enough, you do, you say “peaz” in your cute little elven voice. Your first definitive word that you said with regularity was “Daddy” and you say it “Dad-DEE” with force and authority. You say Moo Moo for Mooki (which is what we call her most of the time), you say MEE for Milk and make a little made up hand signal for it. Your say “MOAR?” when you’re hungry and point to your palm, and you say SHHEWs for Shoes, and when you master a new word you are Victorious and Proud and it blows my freaking mind. You have said “Mama” a few times but you don’t say it often, reserving it for Very Special Moments and when you say it my heart, it melts.
I can’t believe how time has flown and if someone had said that to me before you were born I would have rolled my eyes because seriously, what a cliche. But it’s so so SO true. I want to stop time and immortalize these moments and at the same time I want it to speed up and get to the next thing, the next amazement, the next step, the next milestone. I forget so much of the beginning; the hard drudgery, the loneliness, the frustration and fear. I forget what I felt like as a great big pregnant whale, and I”m convinced that all my moaning and complained has wiped it from my brain, even the good bits and I feel a bit nostalgic and melancholy about it.
Oh my little sweet bean, you make me so happy. You are truly the thing that makes me complete and until I met you I had no idea I was capable of loving this fiercely, this deeply, and this hard. I love your Daddy with so much of me, but I love you in a subconscious way, in a way I cannot control, in a way I physically feel and ache and yearn. You have made our family right, you have made us a unit, a tight little army that will protect each other always. You’ve made me a better person just by being you. Thank you.