One of the billion things currently swirling around my head these days is the case for and against having another kid. I mentioned it awhile back and many of you chimed in with some incredibly good reasons for and against having more than one child. I said :
No longer being able to trust your bladder is reason # 34687924 why I donâ€™t really want to have another baby. Reason # 1 is that, despite having a good friend who has recently had a triumphant VBAC, I am terrified of the idea of vaginal birth now that I had to have an emergency c-section. Funny, since I felt so confident and so well prepared going into Kaleâ€™s last trimester. Reason # 2 is I donâ€™t want to mess with the good thing we have.
You guys are so good. I really appreciate all the comments.
Some of you countered that you too felt that you didn’t want to mess with a good thing either, and then after #2 (or # 3) came along you realized that good things can evolve.
Karina said “Nobody told me that having him would make the good thing even better!”
Kathleen commented that “I am also terrified because our girl is a good sleeper. Which means by murphys law the next one will be a terror. And yet I still think we will have an other eventually. I must be insane. Ahhh motherhood.”
Jill pointed out that “As for not messing with a good thing, I REALLY WORRIED about that with #3 as he was a surprise, but it just became our new normal and is our new verson of a good thing.”
I had to laugh when both Clara and Jill warned me to not even talk about it and here I am now – uh-oh! (And Jill, I’m not laughing at you, but I imagine that “not everything stays in Vegas” story will become a wedding speech one day).
Briana confirmed that she too finds # 2 to be good: “I’ve found #2 so much more enjoyable â€“ but itâ€™s also made me appreciate the baby memories of #1 so much more.”
And Melanie, I appreciate your comments about spacing apart siblings – brother Jim and I are 4 years apart so I’ve always thought that was a good separation. (And Melanie, seriously, what is it with you and I living parallel lives?)
Ross and I have been talking about Child # 2 and we agree we would need to do it fairly soon. We both turned 36 this month, and while that doesn’t mean we are over the hill by a long stretch, it does indicate that what I feel are unnecessary procedures* (amniocentesis, for example) are indicated as part of the provincial guidelines during a pregnancy. Yes, I know I can refuse them and I likely will. But I truly believe that like non-conforming vaccinators, those who refuse government guidelines run the risk of substandard service whether administered consciously or subconsciously. Nurses and other health related staff don’t like to deal with people who haven’t followed the rules, as that industry are the some of the world’s best rule followers. So, if we’re going to have a Number Two – and, trust me, there will definitely be no planned Number Three as there will be the Great Snippy Snip on Ross’ horizon shortly after Hypothetical Child Number Two arrives – then I truly believe that Number Two needs to happen in the next year or two at the very most. At 36 or 37 I feel I could convince a midwife that an amnio is unnecessary given my physical age may not be the same as my date age. At 39 or 40, I doubt this convincing can occur.
The thing is, though, that despite all of the great anecdotal agreement and commiseration I’ve gotten as a result of that post and my real life with face to face conversations, I’m still terrified of birth. Which is funny, right? I have a child! I should be a pro! I should be a seasoned vet and not give it more than a passing thought. Which is just funny because I feel like a deer in headlights these days when the idea passes through this brain of mine.
I have emailed my friend Jocelyn who happens to work in the maternity research world, and said “You have got to have some good recommendations for books, don’t you?” Jocelyn has graciously provided and I’m working my way through some of the list. Some of it is waaaayyyy too hokey for me. Too much about getting in touch with my mother id and embracing my womb as the bearer of all life blah blah blah- I just want to know how to work through the fear without drawing a picture of what I think my uterus looks like from the inside. I don’t want to have a conversation with it.
How does one recover from the emotional baggage of a first birth that may not have gone entirely as planned? I don’t feel traumatized, I don’t feel really let down, I don’t feel that I “failed”, but it just doesn’t sit right with me and I don’t want to repeat it, and I don’t want the stress of not wanting to repeat it to backfire and cause all those not-awesome things to happen again.
But, I can finally say that I do want another child. I can look myself in the eye and say it out loud to myself in a mirror, and not spend 10 minutes finding reasons why not.
* An amniocentesis as a means to have a “look-see” is what I consider to be unnecessary. The overall health of the mother, as well as the signs of a healthy baby inside (heart rate, good growth, etc) should be all you need. However, an amnio for the sake of diagnosis of actual health problems – well, that’s somewhat different and should be considered on a case by case scenario. I’m just sayin’.